how to be a writer

So, you want to write a book.

Good for you, god knows we could do with some more of the things. 

But how does one go about becoming a writer, I am often asked?

Simples.

(Someone wrote that advert, which makes them more of a writer than you. Hush don’t think about it.)

How to be a writer

A crucial first step is to go round telling everyone you’re a writer. This immediately puts a lot of pressure on yourself to actually write something – I have a friend who has told all of her friends about the idea for my unwritten masterpiece and she periodically phones to assure me they’re all very excited about it and can’t wait to buy it at the shops. Also this often results in people telling you the Story of Their Life which you can then steal and use for your novel. Staying in a Bulgarian village once, I whimsically told the taxi driver I was a Writer and for days had locals coming over to the house in ones and twos to confide their innermost secrets…

Step two: Invest in a good black turtleneck.

Step three: Cover story. You will find, if you go round telling everyone you’re a writer that people will often promptly follow-up by asking ‘What is the novel about?’ Obviously don’t tell them what it’s actually about  - for one thing they’ll almost certainly steal your ace plot-line about a parallel universe where everyone has spoons for hands – for another this is not the appropriate arena to bring out your little darlings. You will discover that trying earnestly to explain your metaphysical reflection on the human soul to Auntie Karen over the tray of cocktail sausages on sticks is about as excruciating as impaling said cocktail sticks into your eyeballs. Also of course, they don’t actually care. Unless you really do prove to be ‘the next JK Rowling’ or until they’ve actually read your book, your friends and family will show a polite but feigned interest and it’s not kind to persist. Instead come up with a one-word vaguely threatening response which does not invite further comment – my friend successfully condensed her’s down to ‘The Holocaust’, for example.

Step four: Try very hard not to physically flinch whenever people say ‘Ooh are you going to be the next JK Rowling?” If you find this difficult try pretending to choke on the cocktail sausages the moment you sense the words coming on. (What do you mean what’s with the cocktail sausages? I’m just trying to set the scene. Look it up, amateur.)

Step five: Employ drastic measures to stop yourself procrastinating. Demosthenes the Greek Orator used to shave off half his hair so that he couldn’t leave the house, for shame, while Victor Hugo would get his Valet to hide all his clothes so the couldn’t go out. (To be honest if I had a valet I’d just make them write the book for me). This is also useful in helping to cultivate the Myth which you will need when you go professional. You know the ‘I can only write on yellow paper with red margins while standing upside down in my bathtub blah blah blah’ my favourite was a writer who claimed that he always wrote poetry with his left hand and prose with his right, because the left side of the brain was more creative.

Anyway that stuff is all part of the package so you better get on board.

Step six: Damage limitation. Occasionally you may find yourself in a social situation where you are introduced to someone who also claims to be a ‘writer’.  In this instance there can only be one winner.  Ensure it is you by tipping your head slightly to one side and saying ‘How interesting, have you had anything published?’ If they say no, permit yourself a slight sneer and kindly steer the conversation away from the topic to protect their tender feelings. If they say yes, and you discover you’re actually chatting to Tea Obreht or a similar vomit-inducing wunderkind, then bow out gracefully and get the hell out of there. If it is an older less depressing hero/ine then by all means suck up – they can later be pursued to write the scintillating blurb on your debut novel.

And that my dears is How to Be a Writer. I’d love to hear any additional suggestions!

DISCLAIMER:

*You do actually have to write stuff occasionally. Ah now I ruined it didn’t I?

** I have nothing against Tea Obreht. Youngest woman to win the Orange Prize. Good on her, I say…

Friendworking

A friend recently congratulated me on hosting a great film screening to raise money for a charity I work for.

‘Oh hardly any of that was me. I just have some really good friends,’ I said.

I wasn’t being falsely modest. The whole thing seemed to come together thanks to recommendations, suggestions and contacts from among my friendship group, who also turned up to support me on the night and told all their friends to come along too. All I did was show up in a dodgy pirate outfit and sell sweets on a stand (where it has to be said, I found my forte).

pics taken by my mate Graham / the official photographer  http://grussellphotography.com

The friend I was talking to told me she had recently got a new job after being recommended for the position by her old tutor and friend. The job wasn’t within her usual range of experience and most of the people there had specific qualifications she didn’t have. One day, feeling down after being unsuccessful in an internal promotion exercise (she has since got a great new job!)  she confessed that she felt she wasn’t good enough to work there,

‘The only reason I have this job in the first place is because I’m friends with you…’

To which her colleague (who I like to envisage as a wise Yoda-type mentor)  replied,

‘Yes of course, you’re completely right. The only reason you’re here is because a senior member of the team was familiar with your work and impressed enough to put his reputation on the line in recommending you, despite lacking the specific qualifications usually required’.

His point of course was that being helped out by your friends isn’t a weakness, it’s a strength. Having friends who are willing to risk their reputation, go the extra mile for you, share their contacts, come straight to your event after work put on a daft Pirate hat and start DJ-ing, isn’t something you have nothing to do with, it’s something you should recognise and be proud of. These people are your network.

The word ‘networking’ makes me want to shrivel up and die. I’m convinced I can’t do it and if I’m honest, I don’t really want to – in my mind it’s associated with hard-eyed careerists whose eyes glaze over once they realise exactly how insignificant you are and then start to look over your shoulder while talking to you; the same people who state that they only check their emails twice a day, frequently ‘forget to eat’ lunch, and do angry yoga after work.

‘Friendworking’ is a term a friend of mine came up with when we were out for her birthday. Some of the people there worked in the industry I’d like to work in, so I said wanly that I supposed I’d have to ‘network’ with them, making networking sound something like amputating a limb. My friend was confused,

‘You’re really good with people though’.

‘Yeah but not networking, I can’t do networking.‘

Instead of telling me I was insane, because she is a good friend, she simply told me to forget about networking, be myself and try to make friends. By the end of the night I had an insight into working in the industry and several promises to come to my fundraiser. None of it had been forced or felt uncomfortable, and two weeks later they all actually came! Success!

Friendworking, the Rules:

1. Don’t exhaust your network. Sure your friends like you, but they don’t worship you (well, some of them might but then the kindest thing to do is leave them alone till they get over it) and they have a lot of other things to do. So try to spread out your ‘asks’ and recognise when you should try and do something by yourself, or get a professional.
2. Don’t lose friends. If you put enough pressure on people they’ll usually do what you want; whether they’ll still love you tomorrow is another matter. Be sensitive to your friend’s schedules and other commitments and don’t push too hard.
3. Don’t try to network. Don’t go into an event with a wishlist of people with skills/contacts you need, just go in wanting to make friends with people you get along with and enjoy spending time with. Be yourself!
4. Do talk about what you’re passionate about. Presumably you already do this with your friends, but sometimes it helps to spend some time thinking through what you actually want out of life. People have to know what you want before they can help you get it.
5. Recognise everyone has different strengths. I can guarantee that each one of your friends has something to offer you. Frankly, why would you be friends with them otherwise? They might not work in your industry or have any great contacts but they could know people who do, or be the sort of person you can call up late at night when you’re having a panic attack that your film licence isn’t going to come through in time, for example…
6. Be there for your friends. Friendworking goes both ways, that’s how it works. If your friends ask something of you, do your best to help them out. And don’t just use it as an opportunity to bring it back up the next time you ask a favour of them.
7. Try not to ask. First tell them about the project or goal, it’s an oft-forgotten fact that people like helping other people; we get a kick out of being useful – it’s been scientifically proven. So if you tell your friends enthusiastically all about your new project or career plans, it’s likely they’ll be tripping over themselves to offer ways in which they can assist you. Another option, which a friend of mine recently did, is write your goal online, in a blog post or Facebook note. Put the word out, and see what happens.
8. Always say thank you. Don’t take your friends for granted. They don’t have to help you! …Unless you have some incriminating childhood photos of them or something….

I hope this helps those of you out there who are as allergic to networking as I.

The charity I work with is The Hackney Pirates and they fundraise here!

writing in other places

Here are some interviews and articles I’ve written for other sites.

A really interesting interview with the lovely Jenn Ashworth (as seen on TV!)

An article about love and flat-pack furniture…

And an interview with Mark Charlesworth and Chris Newton about their new book Life Begins at Forty.

 

Enjoy!